How to Build Sexual Confidence: A Compassionate Guide for When You're Struggling

Do You Struggle to build Sexual Confidence? You're Not Alone

Do you ever find yourself wondering how other people seem so confident about sex — and whether they carry as much anxiety and panic about it as you do?

It is actually very common to experience sex as a high-stakes activity. It can feel high stakes for lots of reasons: fertility and family planning, health and wellness, anxiety about being close to other people, social anxiety, or fears of rejection. Sex goes right to the heart of some of our most precious, sensitive feelings and can touch on insecurities we would rather do without.

And who can you talk to about it? It can be difficult to know who to trust when it comes to sexual confidence. You may even feel like your sexual confidence is more under threat if you reveal that you are anxious about it. It's common to experience what people are currently calling a "vulnerability hangover" — "have I overshared?" If you find yourself navigating feelings of shame or embarrassment, it may be because you feel uncertain about what other people think or feel about you when you share.

This creates a common double bind for people who struggle with sexual confidence. When uncertainty stirs up anxiety and self-doubt, and then generates a harsh, judgmental way of relating to yourself (rather than comforting, supportive curiosity and openness), it becomes very hard to learn.

Sex is a skill to be learned. It builds on core skills we often develop without having to think about them directly: communication, boundaries, attention, being in the moment, and a sense of mind–body connection. Because those skills can emerge without consciously thinking, “Today I am going to learn how to communicate,” or “Today I am learning how to pay attention,” it can be confusing to discover that there are gaps in the natural development of your sexual self.

This is another double bind: it’s difficult to learn about sex by yourself, and in today’s world, many people find they learn about sex through pornography. Pornography is extremely unrealistic and, in many ways, unhelpful. It does not provide good role modelling of communication, attention, boundaries, being in the moment, or how to strengthen awareness of the connection between your mind and your body.

One of the most challenging things about sex with a partner is that it involves being at risk of having your worst fears about yourself seemingly confirmed.

What if I don’t please them?
An insecure self-belief of being inadequate or “not good enough” will take this as confirming evidence.
What if they aren’t aroused by me?
The insecure self may translate this into “I am not sexy” or “I am not attractive,” which can be powerfully confirming for people who struggle with body image issues, reinforcing fears of being defective or even, at the worst, disgusting.

What an emotional minefield sex can be. It’s no wonder sexual confidence can feel very low in the midst of all this.

To build your sexual confidence, it can be helpful to think about your personal sexual mindset – your “sexual self.” Your sexual self is your subjective experience of yourself when you are engaged in, oriented towards, or behaving in sexual ways. You may feel very distant from, confused by, or even ashamed of your sexual self if you feel a lot of threat-based emotions when it comes to sex.

There are various aspects of our minds that make up a full mindset. If your sexual self is strongly linked to negative feelings, your mindset around your sexual self may be filled with threat-based associations:

Motivation: Your motivation may be to avoid negative feelings, leading to hiding, overcompensating, or detaching completely.
Attention: Your attention will be primed to notice anything that could trigger negative feelings, such as perceived negative judgements from a sexual partner, or sensations of tension or lack of arousal in your own body.
Thinking / Reasoning: Your mind may be filled with criticism and constantly on the hunt for evidence to confirm that you are “bad at sex” or “not good enough.”
Imagery / Fantasy: Memories from difficult past experiences or images of being rejected may fill your mind.
Behaviour: You may avoid sex altogether, or adopt compensatory approaches like relying on alcohol or other substances to “take the edge off.”
Emotions: You might feel embarrassed, anxious, ashamed, or even disgusted.

The above pattern is very common. If your sexual self is held back by this mindset, please know that it can shift. There is a way to develop a more confident, open, curious and playful sexual self.

It starts with removing pressure and making a commitment – an intention – to stop judging yourself and to be kinder and more compassionate towards your sexual self.

You could begin by saying something like:

“It is not my fault that my mind is so anxious or triggered by sex. I am learning, and I am committed to allowing my sexual self to develop without being so frightened, ashamed or embarrassed. I am going to learn how to settle those feelings so I can feel calm enough to discover what I like, how to enjoy my body and the body of another person. With no judgement. With clear communication, safe boundaries, and a good awareness of my mind–body connection.”

Setting an intention is very important because it orients your mind and helps you gain conscious awareness of your mindset. This gives you more room to shift all the elements of the mindset we discussed. As with any new skill, it is important to pace yourself and let yourself learn incrementally – building step by step and being intentionally encouraging. Expect it to involve both discomfort and comfort, and support yourself through setbacks rather than attacking or criticising yourself when they occur.

Now that you have your intention and your baseline value of an encouraging relationship with your sexual self, you are laying the ground for your sexual self to develop and learn. We can do this by returning to the different elements that make up the mindset of your sexual self.

Motivation: Sex is inherently motivating when pressure and stress are reduced, because it involves sensations linked to the brain’s pleasure systems.

Part of discovering what you find pleasurable comes from being willing to explore, to engage with your own body, and to allow yourself to be curious about what you might like. Silva Neves describes this as a “menu” of options: there will be things from the buffet that you enjoy more, and things you enjoy less. That’s all OK – that’s what exploring is about. Some ways to support your motivation include gently scheduling time for connection, approaching exploration with playfulness rather than performance, and reminding yourself of your intention to be kind to your sexual self.

Attention: Your sexual self is going to feel most confident and competent when your attention remains on sexual cues. In other words, your senses are your guide here. This is the power of the body–mind connection. When your mind’s attention is elsewhere, your awareness of your body and access to important “turn ons” can become dulled. You may not yet be fully aware of what your preferred sexual cues are – simply because you haven’t had the opportunity to notice them.

You can compare this to looking at the world in black and white and then slowly gaining access to colours. Your attention needs to be tuned in to sexual cues, which often involves feeling both excited and relaxed. Remember to breathe and find ways to calm yourself enough to pay attention. Take your time. Things don’t have to be rushed. When you notice you are distracted, gently, using mindfulness, bring your attention back to sensations in your body and to what you can see, smell, feel and hear.

Thinking / Reasoning:
Your sexual confidence is powerfully shaped by how you talk to yourself in your mind. If your inner commentary is full of performance-based thoughts like, “I must always be amazing in bed,” or “If I don’t please them, I’m a failure,” then sex will understandably feel pressured and unsafe. A compassionate mindset doesn’t mean pretending everything is perfect; it means shifting from harsh, absolute judgements to more balanced, curious thoughts such as: “We’re both learning here,” or “It’s OK to pause, check in, and try something different.” Over time, practising kinder, more realistic thinking can reduce anxiety and create enough mental space to notice pleasure and connection.

Imagery / Fantasy:
Your imagination is part of your sexual self too. Many people carry shame or confusion about their fantasies, worrying that they are “weird” or “wrong.” A compassionate approach starts with acknowledging that the mind is creative and that fantasy is often a safe place where your brain experiments with themes of power, closeness, play, or vulnerability. You don’t have to act on every fantasy, and you certainly don’t have to judge them all either. You might begin by gently noticing what kind of erotic images or scenarios arise for you, and asking yourself with curiosity (not criticism): “What does this give me emotionally? Power? Safety? Reassurance? Excitement?” This can help you understand more about your needs and preferences in an open, non-shaming way.

Behaviour:
Behaviour is where your sexual self gets to experiment, practise, and learn. If your previous mindset has led to avoidance or only engaging in sex when you’re numbed (for example, with alcohol), then your sexual self hasn’t had much chance to grow in a safe, conscious way. Compassionate behaviour change can start very small: choosing to explore your own body with curiosity rather than impatience, practising saying “yes,” “no,” or “can we slow down?” with a partner, or agreeing together to take sex “off the performance pedestal” and treat it more like shared play. The key is to take gradual steps, within clear, respectful boundaries and consent, that support your sexual self to feel safer and more empowered over time.

Emotions:
Emotions are at the core of sexual confidence. You may feel anxiety, embarrassment, desire, warmth, shame, sadness or joy – sometimes all within the same encounter. The aim is not to have only “positive” emotions, but to develop a compassionate stance towards whatever arises. Instead of, “I’m anxious, there must be something wrong with me,” you might practise, “Of course I feel anxious – sex has felt high pressure for me. I can still move gently forward, or I can pause and care for myself.” This kind of emotional compassion supports you to stay connected to yourself (and your partner) rather than shutting down, attacking yourself, or pushing through in ways that don’t feel right.

If any of this resonates with you, you don’t have to change everything at once. You might start by:

Choosing one element of your mindset (motivation, attention, thinking, imagery, behaviour, or emotions) to gently experiment with.
Writing down your intention for your sexual self – in your own words – somewhere you can come back to.
Practising a more compassionate inner tone when you notice self-criticism around sex.

Remember: sexual confidence is not a personality trait you either have or don’t have. It’s a set of skills and a relationship with yourself that can be nurtured over time. And if you feel stuck, you don’t have to do this alone – a clinical psychologist with psychosexual therapy skills or psychosexual therapist can support you to explore these themes safely, at your own pace.

Your sexual self is allowed to learn, grow, and be treated in a gentle, friendly way. That’s where real confidence begins.